The Court of Neal Rauhauser
Plus, the best link ever******Satire based on http://www.pastebay.net/1070367 and a few other things.
Can you just see this wanker in court trying to sell his ever-changing conspiracy theories?
Neal: Your Honor, you see I have this chart here of associates.
Judge: And where did you get this?
Neal: From Twitter. I’m a highly trained intelligence analyst and….
Judge: Associates from Twitter? How’s that?
Neal: Twitter allows people to follow other people on Twitter.
Neal: My super-duper-troll computer has the ability to graph these people from Twitter and Maltego them so I can get everything from their family members, employers, high school mates and profile them on my blog with maps of where everyone lives. I LOVE MAPS, don’t u? I have these lovely mind-maps from….
Judge: That’s stalking!
Neal: You say potatoe, I say potato!
Judge: Excuse me?
Neal: Sorry, a wee bit aspie.
/Judge scowls and sniffs the air
Neal: The computations lead us right to the extremists I lay out in my Breitbart-ISR cell essay.
Judge: Breitbart-ISR cell?
Neal: Well that was later replaced with my masterpiece I call KOOKPACOLYPSE!
Bailiff: Watch that lisp. You just shot spit in the Judge’s eye.
Neal: Sorry, wee bit lyme.
/Bailiff backs away and sniffs the air
Neal: It’s all tied into HBGary, The Jester who stole all my limelight and that asshole Tom Ryan…. *whispers* who I’m going to sneak up on and fracture his skull from behind with something hard!*
Judge: What did you just say?
Neal: HBGary! I’m the one who wrote the congressional report that got things moving. I worked for Rep. Grivalja and own the company Progressive Political Strategic Tweets that candidates who want to run the government hire so they can get elected. Then I go into Twitter with socks such as WingNutWatch, wear a super-heroes mask (that The Jester asshole copied) and lay some smack down on people who I declare are behaving badly.
Judge: The Jester?
Neal: Vigilante, loose cannon, happens to be from the U.S.
Judge: You joined Twitter as WingNutWatch and wore this stupid mask to quash political speech as part of a service to get congressional candidates elected?
Neal: That’s me! *grin*
/Judge opens to sections of the federal code and shakes his head
Judge: And what is this picture of the Mad Hatter have to do with this chart?
Neal: That’s my avatar! Wee bit austie.
/Neal sucks his teeth
/Judge grimaces in digust
Neal: Sorry, tofu for breakfast and eggs, with a dash of salty spice. I’m a buddhist and…
Judge: I see you also go by Carlito2000 and in the case of The United States vs. Barrett Brown….
Neal: Carlito’s Way, bro. I didn’t ask for this, it just comes to me
Judge: The tape says it is you by you. You also go by Aspentas, BangoSkank and a former colleague of yours states that you once pretended to be Sarah Palin on Twitter while you were operating this PPST company while being a card-carrying member of Infragard.
Neal: No, no. I don’t seem to recall….
Judge: You admit to being in something called Project Vigilant but were thrown out after playing both ends against the middle with government officials, Wikileaks, Bradley Manning and the Anonymous Hacktivist Group.
Neal: I’ll have you know I have James Christy on speed-dial! And former DOJ Cyber-Crimes Unit, Mark Rasch! I have powerful Twitter socks! AnonyOps, AnonyNewsNet….
Judge: The FBI investigation states they received “a tidy little package” from you…
Neal: The EFF-BEE-EYE! LULZ
/Stenographer blinks rapidly
Judge: You threatened to kill former Vice-President, Dick Cheney and ….
Neal: Wee bit alchy.
Judge: For 16 years?
Neal: Tell me YOU have never posted using the wrong account before and gave yourself away accidentally?
/Neal hiccups and burps
/Court Artist scratches his head
Judge: So you stalk people, they find out who their assailant is and you complain that the reverse is true.
Neal: It doesn’t have to be true. It just has to be believable.
Judge: Then you threaten them with lawsuits, delve into their personal lives, call their local law enforcement jurisdictions and hunt them down, Nazi-Germany style.
Neal: I offer suggestions after laying out computational-troll dynamics and ….
Judge: Like killing them with liquid nitrogen or drowning them to death?
Neal: Barking dog complaints. Recommend me on Linked-In?
Judge: No thanks, I’ve listened to you on Vince in the Bay.
Neal: Which one? The one where I get ripped a new asshole by AssHurtMacFags or the one where I cleverly suggest that people who cross me need a health and welfare check?
Judge: Which brings me to my next point of SWATTING and a Manifesto you’ve written on the Hidden Wiki bowels of the Internet…
Neal: Oh, that! *teehee*
Judge: Where you suggest regarding the country in general: “we want you to watch it burn to the ground so we can rebuild it”, calling for revolution, resistance and subversion. That’s treason and a felony crime not to mention how you were completely intolerant in 2010 of much lesser dissenting political speech to the point of writing novels on how to write people up with the SPLC and deliberately meddle in their lives by maliciously fabricating charges against them.
Neal: It was a joke! I mere hoax! Just ask Adrian Chen. He’s right over there wearing the ballerina dress and the shoe on his head.
/Chen stands and steps into the aisle, twirling towards the bench on his toes before being tackled by the bailiff as the Judge throws down his gavel and breaks for lunch.
*Satire based on http://www.pastebay.net/1070367 and a few other things.